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Home Archives for Adult Children Issues

Emotional Boogie Men! Zap Holiday Depression & Anxiety

Posted on December 8, 2015 Written by Allison Spitzer Leave a Comment

The four boogie men are creeping on up us. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Chanukah-Christmas-Kwanza, and New Year’s Eve.

We worry about the fattening food, family hassles, failure to reach our dreams, and fear of exposing our disappointments to family, friends and even ourselves. The season feeds the monsters inside us (anxiety, insecurity, and depression) and around us (violence, abuse, poverty) both real and the ones we invent in our minds. Memories of simpler or easier times intrude on the reality of our situations today.

Instead, let’s try to think “freedom.” Be satisfied with what is rather than what could, should or would be. Think “fun.” Take these events more lightheartedly. Ignore today’s downers and focus on your blessings. Be frivolous!

Holidays don’t have to be tests of our worthiness or success. These moments become monumental when we give them that meaning or power. As a culture which has lauded excess, we have finally begun to focus on downsizing, from our drive-thru portions to our fuel consumption. As economic struggle has moved many of us from the expense of a weekly date night out at the movies to Netflix or a DVR, so too can we downsize our expectations of this season.

From October to the first week of January there is a schism between what we want, what we had, (or thought we had) what we expect of ourselves and loved ones, and what is possible. Our disappointments are illuminated and augmented by the illusory media and retail frenzy that accompanies each of these observances.

  The fairy tales we cherish of our sweet, happy, or pretty childhood memories are embellished by our active imaginations, our denials, and our age. Nothing now can ever compare. Foods we forbade ourselves long ago, from candy corn and caramel apples to Yule logs, potato latkes and New Year’s champagne re-emerge and tempt us. We feel both guilt and longing.

We forget the family holiday fights of the past. We hope that our children don’t expect what we can’t provide. We hope they will be grateful for what they receive and blame the media, and “our times” when they are not. Perhaps if we’d focused on the natural beauty and opportunities around us, our small, daily successes and joys, simpler living and holidays might be more readily available.

Let’s plan ahead for personal joy. We cannot be entirely responsible for each other’s happiness, even our children’s. What small or brief activity can we plan for ourselves and look forward to realistically? Let’s ask our children—both grown and young— what small pleasure will they look towards. Breaking the emotional impact of a whole event into bite sized pieces helps us focus more purposefully and easily on the good moments.

Some of us run away. We travel, or hide our disappointment when family is no longer there for us, literally or figuratively. When the season’s spotlight is on family, so many of us feel we can never measure up to our own expectations. We’ve fully bought in to the beliefs of what holidays “should” be.

At 18 or 30, we were young enough to anticipate that our New Year’s Eve bash would truly rock; at 6 or 12, that our Halloween candy would last till Christmas; at every age, the Thanksgiving dinner and gathering would arrive without the stress of getting there, accompanied by gently falling snow and a lit fireplace or maybe Bing Crosby.

So . . .don’t stay on the holiday treadmill. This year, vote instead for frivolity, fun, freedom, and forgetfulness! There wasn’t and is no real perfection, or standard by which we must hold ourselves accountable this season.

Here’s permission to skip the turkey if you’d rather have pizza, or play Monopoly on New Year’s Eve or enjoy the solitude of a great book. Plan a bubble bath before the gift giving. You can write the rules. Simplify. Downsize. Give the gifts of your time, companionship, forgiveness, listening, playfulness, compassion and humor. They will last forever.

This article appeared recently in various  regional publications: 

Filed Under: Adult Children Issues, Anxiety Therapist, Anxiety Treatment, Communication Breakdowns, Depression, Depression Management, Depression Therapist, depression treatment, Family Conflicts, Family Therapy, Marital Therapy, Sadness, Teen counseling

Support Group For 20-30 Yr. Olds = Herding Butterflies!

Posted on March 12, 2015 Written by Allison Spitzer Leave a Comment


You’ve asked for support group sessions, but starting feels like trying to herd butterflies!
So, mark your calendar. 

To clarify—this is not a social or professional networking “meet up.”

They are peer group sessions in which 20-30 yr.olds like you explore challenging issues from finances, isolation, housing, relationships, to career paths, and parents.

WEDNESDAY MARCH 18TH 7:30-8:30

Refreshments (non alcoholic) provided, $15
Bring a friend, it’s 2 for $20.
(Pre-registration required=RSVP! LMK 203-218-2200)

Filed Under: Adult Children Issues, Self Esteem, Social Problems, Stress, Therapeutic Coaching, Transitions, Young Professionals

Sibling Rivalry or Emotional Abuse? When the Bully’s at the Dinner Table

Posted on February 17, 2015 Written by Allison Spitzer Leave a Comment

Do you have a sibling that “teased” you relentlessly? Were you bullied by an older brother or sister that still wants to hurt you?

The phenomenon has become a “diagnosis.” We carry those deep scars and the questions surrounding them into adulthood. That childhood bully, the brother or sister who teased you, smacked you, and actually brutalized you emotionally, needs to be seen for what he/she was. An aggressor.  A needy, damaged, hurting child left untreated. You were their closest target. images-2

“Bullying” creates fear, low self esteem, and worse, begins at home. In childhood, there’s no way to escape.  The parents, especially before bullying came into the public eye with the current school bullying laws, let things go.

They said “That’s how boys are.” Or, “She’s your sister, just ignore it.”

The brother or sister who relentlessly called you names, excluded you, frightened you, and in fact hated you, had true psychological problems your parents never addressed. That sibling shaped your worldview and self image.images

Now that you’re grown, you don’t have to take it! Or them.
If you’re parenting, put a stop to it. We are savvier today.
Everyone involved needs help.

#siblingrivalry #siblingabuse

Filed Under: Adult Children Issues, Anger, Bullies, Communication Breakdowns, Depression, Family Conflicts, Hopelessness, Peer Problems, Relationship Problems, Sibling Rivalry, Uncategorized

Love, Vulnerability, & Relationship Problems

Posted on February 2, 2015 Written by Allison Spitzer Leave a Comment

You’ve got shared history together. You love and you are loved. SO, why do you STILL feel lonely within a primary relationship with your spouse, family member, or friend?  Long-term feelings of isolation make us depressed, stressed, angry and empty.

“He/she just doesn’t communicate (feelings)!  She/he wants information from me but never says much in return.” I meet and coach families that know virtually nothing about each other’s inner hopes and heartbreaks, pasts and plans. We are all so swept up with life, it’s hard to make time for emotional intimacy.  Are we listening across the generations  to each others’ hurts and heartbeats, memories and dreams?

Psychologist Arthur Aron says “One key pattern (in) the development of a close relationship is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self disclosure.” I agree.

If your husband never gives any details about his “bad day at work,”  or you avoid telling a close friend about your medical challenges, you and they lose important opportunities for intimacy.

images-3

Simply being with a parent, best friend, cousin, or spouse, even when we’re engaged in meaningful, productive activity just isn’t enough. It’s natural to be instinctively protective or even ashamed of our weaknesses, fears and failures. Today though, I choose a different path. I am courageous. I’ve learned to draw closer by consciously baring and (selectively) sharing my “Achilles heels,” by starting conversations at a deeper level and asking questions which get to the heart of things.

I don’t expect immediate solutions or changes related to these moments,  just the benefits of love and loving.

 

Filed Under: Adult Children Issues, Anger, Anxiety, Awkwardness, Communication Breakdowns, Coping Skills, Crying Spells, Depression, Divorce, Family Breakdowns, Family Conflicts, Frustration, Grief, Hopelessness, Indifference, Introversion, Loneliness, Low Self Esteem, Marital Counseling, Marital Therapy, Sadness, Stress Management, Therapy, Transitions, Women's Issues

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