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Home Archives for Family Conflicts

WCBS NY Radio, Allison Spitzer of Spitzer Health Comments on Greenwich School Debate 6/14/1

Posted on June 16, 2016 Written by Allison Spitzer Leave a Comment

https://www.spitzerhealth.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/FED2F715-60A4-4F51-84F9-AA72EE173F04.mp3

Do teens really need to “sleep in?” Though the Greenwich , CT Public Schools think so, the issue should be much more than the daily school starting time.

What has wreaked havoc on our teenagers’  bodies and emotional well being creating stress, anxiety and depression is the overloading of extracurriculars, academic study, volunteer, fitness, and social demands placed on our kids by both parents and educators. Some want their numbers to look good (How many graduates went on to college? How many Ivies?) and parents who want their children to succeed beyond everyone’s comfort level.

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I say ENOUGH. Starting later is great but won’t have any effect unless we examine  the demands we make on teens to perform and produce like superstars.

In Fairfield County, CT, we’ve created the emotional and physical exhaustion high school students feel. If the evening’s pressures, and the endless texting and FB postings aren’t under control at midnight, it really doesn’t matter what time school starts in the morning. Everyone’s in trouble. We need to manage our  expectations of what we see as  reasonable for our children to accomplish and engage in. It may be less than we hope, less than what we believe they are capable of, or less than needed for the colleges families aspire to have their child attend.

images-2The good news, though, is our kids may be happier, have good memories of this time in their lives, and less conflict at home. They’ll also have to learn to self regulate their impulses, set better boundaries on what they take on and hence be better prepared for the independence of adulthood which lies just ahead. Just talk to the families of kids with serious emotional issues–stress, depression, anxiety, panic, self harm, or addiction. They’d give anything just to see their kid smile. The pressure just isn’t worth it. Sleep’s only a part of the picture.

Filed Under: ADD/ADHD, Adolescent Issues, Anxiety, Anxiety Treatment, Behavioral Problems, Coping Skills, Crying Spells, Depression, Depression Management, Depression Therapist, Exhaustion, Family Conflicts, Family Therapy, Frustration, Hopelessness, Kids & School, Life Skills, Moodiness, Motivation Problems, Parenting Problems, Relationship Problems, School Advocacy, Self Help, Stress, Stress Management, Teen Anxiety, Teen counseling, Teen Troubles, Therapeutic Coaching, Troubled Teens

Teen Girls Support Group – Expressive Arts Therapy

Posted on January 1, 2016 Written by Allison Spitzer Leave a Comment

Support Group for High School Girls

She’ll  express, examine, and learn to  transform those issues, behaviors or social patterns which have not served her well through relaxing and engaging art, crafts, drama, games and coaching. This is a safe, supportive forum for girls to process,  reflect, share experiences and gain wisdom and coping skills  while enjoying the creative process.

Saturdays mornings beginning mid January! Limited space available. For specific info on location, times, fees, please contact me, Allison Spitzer, M.A. at 203-218-2200

Filed Under: ADD/ADHD, Adolescent Issues, Alternative Therapies, Anxiety, Anxiety Treatment, ART Therapy, Attention Deficit Disorder, Behavioral Problems, Communication Breakdowns, Depression Therapist, depression treatment, Family Conflicts, Fears, Hopelessness, Immaturity, Introversion, Kids & School, Peer Problems, Social Media Anxiety, Social Problems, Stress Management, Teen Anxiety, Teen counseling, Teen Troubles

Emotional Boogie Men! Zap Holiday Depression & Anxiety

Posted on December 8, 2015 Written by Allison Spitzer Leave a Comment

The four boogie men are creeping on up us. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Chanukah-Christmas-Kwanza, and New Year’s Eve.

We worry about the fattening food, family hassles, failure to reach our dreams, and fear of exposing our disappointments to family, friends and even ourselves. The season feeds the monsters inside us (anxiety, insecurity, and depression) and around us (violence, abuse, poverty) both real and the ones we invent in our minds. Memories of simpler or easier times intrude on the reality of our situations today.

Instead, let’s try to think “freedom.” Be satisfied with what is rather than what could, should or would be. Think “fun.” Take these events more lightheartedly. Ignore today’s downers and focus on your blessings. Be frivolous!

Holidays don’t have to be tests of our worthiness or success. These moments become monumental when we give them that meaning or power. As a culture which has lauded excess, we have finally begun to focus on downsizing, from our drive-thru portions to our fuel consumption. As economic struggle has moved many of us from the expense of a weekly date night out at the movies to Netflix or a DVR, so too can we downsize our expectations of this season.

From October to the first week of January there is a schism between what we want, what we had, (or thought we had) what we expect of ourselves and loved ones, and what is possible. Our disappointments are illuminated and augmented by the illusory media and retail frenzy that accompanies each of these observances.

  The fairy tales we cherish of our sweet, happy, or pretty childhood memories are embellished by our active imaginations, our denials, and our age. Nothing now can ever compare. Foods we forbade ourselves long ago, from candy corn and caramel apples to Yule logs, potato latkes and New Year’s champagne re-emerge and tempt us. We feel both guilt and longing.

We forget the family holiday fights of the past. We hope that our children don’t expect what we can’t provide. We hope they will be grateful for what they receive and blame the media, and “our times” when they are not. Perhaps if we’d focused on the natural beauty and opportunities around us, our small, daily successes and joys, simpler living and holidays might be more readily available.

Let’s plan ahead for personal joy. We cannot be entirely responsible for each other’s happiness, even our children’s. What small or brief activity can we plan for ourselves and look forward to realistically? Let’s ask our children—both grown and young— what small pleasure will they look towards. Breaking the emotional impact of a whole event into bite sized pieces helps us focus more purposefully and easily on the good moments.

Some of us run away. We travel, or hide our disappointment when family is no longer there for us, literally or figuratively. When the season’s spotlight is on family, so many of us feel we can never measure up to our own expectations. We’ve fully bought in to the beliefs of what holidays “should” be.

At 18 or 30, we were young enough to anticipate that our New Year’s Eve bash would truly rock; at 6 or 12, that our Halloween candy would last till Christmas; at every age, the Thanksgiving dinner and gathering would arrive without the stress of getting there, accompanied by gently falling snow and a lit fireplace or maybe Bing Crosby.

So . . .don’t stay on the holiday treadmill. This year, vote instead for frivolity, fun, freedom, and forgetfulness! There wasn’t and is no real perfection, or standard by which we must hold ourselves accountable this season.

Here’s permission to skip the turkey if you’d rather have pizza, or play Monopoly on New Year’s Eve or enjoy the solitude of a great book. Plan a bubble bath before the gift giving. You can write the rules. Simplify. Downsize. Give the gifts of your time, companionship, forgiveness, listening, playfulness, compassion and humor. They will last forever.

This article appeared recently in various  regional publications: 

Filed Under: Adult Children Issues, Anxiety Therapist, Anxiety Treatment, Communication Breakdowns, Depression, Depression Management, Depression Therapist, depression treatment, Family Conflicts, Family Therapy, Marital Therapy, Sadness, Teen counseling

Marital Therapy. Reinventing Shared Meaning & Purpose

Posted on August 24, 2015 Written by Allison Spitzer Leave a Comment

Couples get in trouble when there are communication breakdowns and when their expectations of one another are blocked by frustrations, unrealistic dreams and the disappointing curveballs of reality. Does traditional couples counseling make things better? Not always.

Instead of delving into and retelling the hurts and heartbreak, try the alternative of Solution Focused Brief Therapy––(Therapeutic Coaching) looking towards mutual purposes, new, common goals and shared, meaningful projects to rebuild broken or stale relationships. Whether your new, shared decision is to explore the world, or raise a family, move, or live in tune with nature  doesn’t matter. Whatever, at the deepest level, both you and your partner are drawn to.

Taking that concrete,  first step, a new activity, may not change how you feel overnight; but it may change how you behave together. That’s the beginning. Rather than past miseries, you begin to focus on something you both truly want,  regardless of where the relationship lands. 

Some couples never plan ahead, and still successfully live parallel lives, like toddlers each making their own castle in the sandbox. Vibrant but separate. Most do not and cannot.  This is disappointing, unfulfilling, and not the childhood fantasies of what marriage should or might be.

Ascertaining and developing a common purpose and trajectory to pursue, with clear action steps, is equally and fundamentally as important to relationship problems as improved communication, kindness, forgiveness, honesty and tolerance.

Younger adults often think they simply made a bad decision, have chosen the wrong person. Older couples who have endured a listless life find that when the kids have gone, marriage has lost its purpose. When and if there is good health and financial freedom at that point, many consider divorce.

But, think again. The type of alternative Marital Therapy, offered here, approaches transformation from a different vantage point.  Marriage therapy can heal relationships. especially when you both want to stay within the institution of marriage, and place significant value on your uniquely shared experiences and insights.  Be willing to talk about new shared opportunities and behaviors. Find  the courage to try.

There’s everything to be gained.

Filed Under: Alternative Therapies, Communication Breakdowns, Conflict Resolution, Divorce, Family Conflicts, Marital Counseling, Marital Therapy, Relationship Problems, Therapeutic Coaching

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