Frustration

WCBS NY Radio, Allison Spitzer of Spitzer Health Comments on Greenwich School Debate 6/14/1

Posted on June 16, 2016 Written by Allison Spitzer Leave a Comment

Do teens really need to “sleep in?” Though the Greenwich , CT Public Schools think so, the issue should be much more than the daily school starting time.

What has wreaked havoc on our teenagers’ bodies and emotional well being creating stress, anxiety and depression is the overloading of extracurriculars, academic study, volunteer, fitness, and social demands placed on our kids by both parents and educators. Some want their numbers to look good (How many graduates went on to college? How many Ivies?) and parents who want their children to succeed beyond everyone’s comfort level.

I say ENOUGH. Starting later is great but won’t have any effect unless we examine the demands we make on teens to perform and produce like superstars.

In Fairfield County, CT, we’ve created the emotional and physical exhaustion high school students feel. If the evening’s pressures, and the endless texting and FB postings aren’t under control at midnight, it really doesn’t matter what time school starts in the morning. Everyone’s in trouble. We need to manage our expectations of what we see as reasonable for our children to accomplish and engage in. It may be less than we hope, less than what we believe they are capable of, or less than needed for the colleges families aspire to have their child attend.

The good news, though, is our kids may be happier, have good memories of this time in their lives, and less conflict at home. They’ll also have to learn to self regulate their impulses, set better boundaries on what they take on and hence be better prepared for the independence of adulthood which lies just ahead. Just talk to the families of kids with serious emotional issues–stress, depression, anxiety, panic, self harm, or addiction. They’d give anything just to see their kid smile. The pressure just isn’t worth it. Sleep’s only a part of the picture.

Frustration: Is Anybody Listening? Does Anyone Care?

Posted on March 9, 2015 Written by Allison Spitzer Leave a Comment

Frustrated because you can’t “get a word in edgewise?”

Do people cut you off off mid-sentence, interrupt with glee, and let you know they’ve got your issues (and you) all figured out? Worse, are you the one who does it when others are talking to you?

By nature as a child, I was. My mind raced, but with age, professional training and mindfulness, I do listen actively now, hear first, and slow down beyond my instinct. You can too.

Professionally it’s clear how profoundly and well problems can be transformed by allowing a story simply to be told and felt deeply to an “active” listener, without my immediate input, interruption, or response. And I’ve benefitted from the same techniques with friends and family.

When you are angry and frustrated here are some options:

Say, “I need to finish this thought,” or “Tell me what you think I am trying to say.”

When your teenager blusters, your husband hollers, and you’ve had enough, say, “Let me make sure I’ve got what you’re saying.” It will ratchet things down a notch. Diffuse the potential firestorm by taking this tiny “time out. “

The beauty of our deepest relationships is that we truly feel heard. Our friends, lovers, or neighbors may not have the solutions to our dilemma, but show they care by simply taking in what we say fully. They offer clarity before courses of action. They validate and diffuse tough decisions or conversations until we can think clearly.

Taking our reactions off the table until we’ve heard all that needs to be said isn’t disengaging, denying, or losing! It’s creating possibility.

Modesty, Social Media, Math & Therapy

Posted on February 9, 2015 Written by Allison Spitzer 1 Comment

Can’t stand it when parents post a snap of their kids’ medals, trophies, report cards and awards? Neither can I. Do they also publicly boast about their children’s honesty, modesty, compassion, humor or kindness? These are the parents who teach their kids that “volunteering” will build a resume, not character.

In my house, we taught our son that it was rude to brag, and to keep the good news to only a few family members or close friends so as not to make anyone, ever, feel “less than.” We expected that he work hard, take pride in his accomplishments, but shouldn’t give either himself or us an inflated sense of importance. In doing this, we also taught that there are many things which are not generally rewarded that we truly value–persistence, self reliance, emotional literacy, and caring for others, for example.

Social media has created its own set of angst – producing neuroses. Alternative therapists like me treat this phenomenon. Kids can see the pictures of the parties they’re not invited to. When competitive or defensive parents feel compelled to share widely their children’s successes, they conversely send their young adults and children the dangerous message–to expect accolade, to “perform” tasks for the evaluation rather than the love of it, and to inflate everyone involved’s egos perhaps disproportionately. Then, when there’s nothing to “post,” who’s to blame and how’s everyone feeling about it? And, by the way, how do those whose children, siblings or parents feel who haven’t reached this particular pinnacle?

Hello therapy.

It’s all become a math game. How many “friends” do you have? How many “Likes” on your post? In some high schools, it’s not enough to have an “A” average. Schools are looking for the 104 averages–the better than great students. How exhausting.

My son has volunteered as an EMT for more than 13 years. He’s saved lives, delivered babies, held the hands of the dying, shown kindness to victims. He’s even gotten a plaque for it. I’ve never actually seen it; it will never be on Facebook, and I’m sure that no one at his office (the “real job”) knows about it.

Love, Vulnerability, & Relationship Problems

Posted on February 2, 2015 Written by Allison Spitzer Leave a Comment

You’ve got shared history together. You love and you are loved. SO, why do you STILL feel lonely within a primary relationship with your spouse, family member, or friend? Long-term feelings of isolation make us depressed, stressed, angry and empty.

“He/she just doesn’t communicate (feelings)! She/he wants information from me but never says much in return.” I meet and coach families that know virtually nothing about each other’s inner hopes and heartbreaks, pasts and plans. We are all so swept up with life, it’s hard to make time for emotional intimacy. Are we listening across the generations to each others’ hurts and heartbeats, memories and dreams?

Psychologist Arthur Aron says “One key pattern (in) the development of a close relationship is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self disclosure.” I agree.

If your husband never gives any details about his “bad day at work,” or you avoid telling a close friend about your medical challenges, you and they lose important opportunities for intimacy.

images-3

Simply being with a parent, best friend, cousin, or spouse, even when we’re engaged in meaningful, productive activity just isn’t enough. It’s natural to be instinctively protective or even ashamed of our weaknesses, fears and failures. Today though, I choose a different path. I am courageous. I’ve learned to draw closer by consciously baring and (selectively) sharing my “Achilles heels,” by starting conversations at a deeper level and asking questions which get to the heart of things.

I don’t expect immediate solutions or changes related to these moments, just the benefits of love and loving.