Back to School

Busy, Burnt-Out, Bummed Out YOU?

Posted on August 25, 2016 Written by Allison Spitzer Leave a Comment

Stop the steamroller that heads to anxiety, stress and depression.

It’s almost September and everyone’s rushing to “Register.” For what???? Classes, sports, after-school “experiences,” and on and on. Parents dread the crazy chauffeuring schedules and costs. Kids are overwhelmed by the new level of work at school and emotional adjustments to a new environment. Everyone’s huffing and puffing and by October, my phone rings off the hook.

How about scheduling a few family hikes or bikes or day trips? Or committing to an old fashioned family-around-the-table dinner conversation three times a week this fall instead of rehearsal and practices? You ‘ll save on gas, and maybe therapy when everyone’s in the same place at the same time just BE-ing, bonding, and listening to one another. The stress of fitting food, homework, deadlines, chores, friends, exercise may just stop the anxiety before it starts. Worth a try.

Parental Mental Health & School Performance

Posted on September 30, 2015 Written by Allison Spitzer Leave a Comment

(This Spitzer Health blog article also appeared 9/15 in The Easton Courier, Stratford Star, Milford Mirror, Huntington Herald, & The Trumbull Times)

Our children know us deeply. The younger the child, the more he or she absorbs the stress, anger, or sadness we feel. When our home life and schedules are chaotic, overcrowded, or unpredictable, how can our middle schoolers believe that the routine of homework, reasonable bedtimes and other boundaries matter? If we “need a break,” are short tempered or passive-aggressive, but say “Oh, everything’s fine” to our teenagers, why would or should they share their deepest truths with us, or ask for guidance?

To serve as our child’s unconditional advocate, to provide a home that is a soothing, safe zone and retreat, and to encourage kids to do and be the best they can this year in school, there are many surprisingly simple and doable strategies.

Put on your own oxygen mask, as an individual, and as a couple if you are in a relationship. Clear out your own lingering issues — if not for yourself then for your children’s well-being. It’s tough for your child to focus on school challenges when his or her fundamental concern is really you. If you need help, face it and deal with it.

Next, be proactive and specific in talking with your kids and establishing a balanced, reliable and breathable home life. Before school starts, ask them directly whether they have concerns, what they look forward to — and what they need from you. Respond by letting them know what your hopes are for them, and your plans (expectations) to help things go smoothly.
Family meetings (I’m a huge fan!) should go beyond scheduling logistics. Everyone has the chance to air grievances, boast, make requests, and get equal air time, at least once a week, reliably. Mom or Dad runs the meeting; families are not democracies.

The world is a hot fudge sundae — delicious and brimming with goodness. Too much, though, and families grow ill. The pressure on performance, whether academic, musical, athletic or social, has simply made our families miserable, exhausted and hopeless.

Instead, focus on each person’s ability to do their best and be happy within the framework of a larger organism — the family unit. There are only so many hours to work, drive carpool and help with homework and only so much disposable income for leotards or cleats. The greater good of cooperation and mutual benefit for families, even when everyone gives up a bit, in the long term, is smarter.

Scheduled downtime, each week, adult private time (date nights), unstructured quality time with your kids develops bonds far more potent than cheering when a goal’s made, preceded by the yelling to finish homework, get in the uniform, get in the car, and bringing along a sibling who resents it. Passions matter. In all families, large and small, there has to be a realistic appraisal of the time and resources that can be given to each family member, including the adults.

Helping Kids Before There’s “Real” Trouble

Posted on March 7, 2013 Written by Allison Spitzer Leave a Comment

ctpost-3613 As schools and mental health providers struggle to improve identification and delivery of services to children and adolescents with mental health issues, let’s not overlook the vital role of preventative care available to families whose struggles are “normal,” whose children may not need psychiatric help but may need assistance dealing with issues life presents.

The article in Sunday’s Connecticut Post, (“How to identify, help kids with mental health disorders), does not address those with normal struggles — struggles that if left unaddressed might very well develop into something more debilitating.

The first-grader who is shy becomes the third-grader a bit lonely. By seventh grade, is he isolated, and by ninth, bullied? What happens in senior year? Is she cutting herself? Is he aggressive? Are there drugs, academic troubles, and risky behavior which might have been averted if families had reached out before there was “trouble”? For children, teens and families stressed by today’s social and environmental factors, those without “mental health disorders,” it can be all too short a jump to labels and “problems.”

As a life skills therapist and communications coach who deals with stress management, I urge parents who wonder about their children, “Is something wrong?” not to wait. Take action. Better to take a pre-emptive strike on the difficulties our kids bury, even if they don’t seem monumental at the time. Like the homeland security ad on TV, “If you see something, say something” — if you think something’s off with your child, there probably is. Check it out. Make it right before there’s a crisis, diagnosis, file, label or doctor needed. It’s not “making a mountain out of a molehill”; it’s preventing that mountain down the road from spewing lava.

Allison B. Spitzer

School Problems Already? What Are You Waiting For?

Posted on August 30, 2012 Written by Allison Spitzer Leave a Comment

When is your unhappy child, teen, or twenty year old miserable enough for you to get them to a therapist? What are you waiting for? A breakdown? “Significant” misery? Full blown depression or aggressive behavior?

How much have you ignored? How far have you stretched your opinion of what’s appropriate behavior, sadness or anxiety, or made excuses for the situation, yourself or your child who’s in trouble? And, what’s your point?

At the first sign of a winter sniffle, parents are at the pediatrician’s office because everybody knows, if illness isn’t nipped in the bud, then a cold can become bronchitis, an ear infection, pneumonia, the “flu” or who knows what?

Why should your child’s mental health be any different?

Unhappiness left to its own devices progresses. In a world filled with bullying, pressure to fit some arbitrary “norm” and family life which bears little resemblance (in most cases) to what we’d expected, it’s no wonder that even slightly fragile teenagers, tweens, and young adults need support.

Social, emotional and learning problems can not be dealt with by antibiotics and a day off from school. However, like any dis-ease, things escalate if left untreated. Sadness can become depression, anxiousness turns into panic attacks, and listlessness spirals downwards into despair.

Parents who dismiss their children’s mental health issues often deliver children to therapists and therapeutic coaches like Periwinkle Health too late. I see children and teenagers who have hurt themselves or others, whose self esteem is a mess, who are angry or depressed. Their symptoms have intensified while parents think they can “deal with it” or “they’ll outgrow it.” Wrong.

The prescription is simple. Pick up the phone.